Too Hot to Trot Trio

The Lowdown:

Pain is inevitable. We learn this from a young age when our parents temporarily ruined our lives by taking away our favourite toy. The kid would then storm off saying something along the lines of, "you'll never understand me!" This was followed by one to three door slams, depending on how brave the particular child was. After this, the pouting phase occurs, which can last up to an astonishing three weeks. Funny how kids can't keep a train of thought going in school for more than three seconds, but they can hold a grudge for three months when their Pokemon game is taken away. Ahem, pain is inevitable was the point.

But what about those times when you want to inflict pain on yourself? I'm not talking about leather whips, ball gags, or hot wax either. I'm sure if you're into that, you can find a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. I'm talking about the real hot stuff. Meow (that sounded sexier in my head than typed out). I'm talking about heat. Spicy is the spice of life, after all.

After writing for nearly a year, I thought I'd confess my love for spiciness (again). That, and I thought it should be known that hot sauces are all relatively simple to make. Every recipe I browsed contained the same base ingredients: vinegar, salt, hot peppers. Of course, this was only the base and the rest was left up to creativity. Bring it on cold, miserable winter.

The Playlist:

Very Verdi Hot Sauce
15 Cherry bomb peppers (green), de-stemmed & halved
1 cup White wine vinegar
1 cup White vinegar
1/2 cup Lime juice
1/4 cup Cilantro
1 tsp Basil, dried
1 tsp Dill, dried
1 tsp White pepper
2 tsp Garlic powder
1 tsp Onion powder
2 tbsp Salt
3 dashes Green food colouring (optional)


Red-Hot Hot Sauce
50 Thai chili peppers, de-stemmed
1 cup Red wine vinegar
1 cup White vinegar
1 cup Water
2 tbsp Salt
5-10 dashes, Liquid smoke



Mellow Yellow Hot Sauce 
4 Banana peppers, de-stemmed
1 cup Champagne berry vinegar
1/2 cup White vinegar
1 cup water
1/2 cup Lime juice

3 Cardamom pods
2 tsp Turmeric
1 tsp Corriander seed, ground
2 tsp Garlic powder

The Skinny:

1. In medium sauce pan: add all of the ingredients, cover, and bring to a boil. Turn down the heat and simmer for 20 - 30 minutes.
2. OPTIONAL: you can cook half of the peppers, then add the remaining peppers in the blending process to get a more vibrant flavour, spice, and colour.
3. Allow to cool, remove the cinnamon stick/cardamom pods, add the uncooked peppers (if done the optional way), then puree in a blender. If desired you can strain so the seeds are not in the sauce.

Featured on: Premeditated Leftovers, 33 Shades of Green, Chef in Training, Food Renegade, 

Stay Rad -h

Citrus-Habanero Hot Sauce

The Lowdown:

I just returned from a lovely trip with my family from the Dominican Republic. It was great; however, the trip lacked one thing (other than a direct flight home without a million hours of lay overs), and that was food with a kick to it. I often forget that when I don't cook for myself, I don't get what I want. I'm a very craving-based person. I guess you could say that I'm the male version of a pregnant lady. I want what I want, and I want it now. What I want now, is some freakin' spicy food. Not spicy like, "I put this shit on everything." Spicy like, "I just shit on everything." I want sweat to form under my eyes. If any of you are into spicy food, you know that when your eyes sweat it's the real deal. I understand that the scoville scale describes heat levels in a scientific manner, however the under eye sweats (UES) were around way before anyone fathomed that scale. The scale is below for those of you who'd like to readjust the spiciness of the hot sauce.

cookthink.com (2012)

I suppose my cravings for spicy food started with my father. Bless his heart. It's nice going into any variety of ethnic restaurants and saying, "bring it bitches, I got what it takes." When I was a child, my father prepared several meals loosely based on dishes from one of Chef Paul Prudhomme's cookbooks. Of course, I complained about the heat back then, like any child that was good at annoying the hell out of their parents would. That is, until the timer was put on. Oh yes, the timer. It was my arch nemesis for many a year. The rule was simple: finish what you served yourself. If you didn't, the consequence was simple: a timer was set to finish your food, and if you didn't do it in the allotted time your food was doubled. I'm sure they did this out of pure torture so they could laugh about it in future years. But, it worked. Oh did it ever work. To be honest, it may be one the sole reason that I'm much more adventurous with my food now. I digressed. The point was that I was exposed to UES from a very young age, and I'm now at the point where I need a good UES every so often.

One point to make! Cut the onions before you handle your peppers! I've had habanero in my eye before and it is about the same pain as getting your balls run over by Optimus Prime. If you'd feel safer, or are particularly injury prone please wear gloves and don't wear contacts. Shit, if you still have your chemistry safety goggles I suggest you wear those. Habaneros are nasty little things and you'll regret your life if you screw up.

 

This all started when I looked at the ingredients on the back of one of my hot sauces. There was literally six ingredients, two of which were words that clearly weren't natural. Instead, they were man-made crap. Well six ingredients soon turned into 13 to add some flavour, so that when this is all said and done, it should be about 25,000 - 50,000 scovilles. So here begins another culinary escapade.Without further ado, I'm going to make a UES worthy citrus - habanero - total - destruction - mouth - numbing - ass - burning - under - eye - sweating hot sauce. Take that timer, who's the bitch now?! Apparently revenge is best served... HOT!

The Playlist:

13 Habanero peppers, stems removed

6 Morita peppers (slightly smoked red jalapenos)**

1 Orange, zested and juiced

1 large Carrot, chopped

1 medium Red onion, chopped

3 cloves Garlic, chopped
2 tsp Salt

1 tbsp Spanish paprika (for colouring)**

1 1/4 cup Lime juice

1 cup Apple cider vinegar (unfermented)*

3/4 cup Champagne berry vinegar*

1/2 cup Canola/Vegetable oil

1 cup Water

* I chose to use these for their distinct flavours, but you can substitute for white vinegar.

** Optional ingredients. I chose the morita peppers to add a distinct smoky flavour and the paprika is solely to add a nice red colouring without adding any flavour.

The Skinny:

1. Add all ingredients into a sauce pan except for the oil, paprika, orange juice, and habanero peppers. Cover with a tight fitting lid and bring to a boil. Lower the heat to medium-low and allow to simmer for 30 minutes.
2. Remove from heat and allow enough time to cool.
3. If you desire a liquid hot sauce like Frank's, then strain the liquid into a blender and add the whole habanero peppers, orange juice, oil, and paprika. Blend for 2-3 minutes until mixture is smooth with no chunks.
   
   If you desire a less spicy, but more flavourful hot sauce combined the contents of the pot with the remaining ingredients and blend all together. This will create a more viscous hot sauce. As previously stated, it is substantially less spicy, but more flavourful.
4. Put into glass jars and refrigerate. The sauce will become spicier over time, so be patient if it isn't quite up to snuff.

 Stay rad - h

Featured in: Mandy's Recipe Box 33 Shades of Green Chef in Training Food Renegade  Premeditated Leftovers